Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
Near the End of Summer, Start of FallRevision:This scene is bathed in warm September light:a swimming poola man is standing near.He doesnt move, but stares into the clear,sun-speckled water, where...
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Hello Vaugh,Lines 3 6 and lines 12 - 13: I found that these lines are not smooth metrically as line three awkwardly carries over into line four by the use of a hyphenated word and then continues with...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
Vaughn: An intriguing departure from the usual autumn splendour stuff. The story reveals the human response to change in a marvellously depicted vignette. That "between the old and the new" experience...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
Vaughn,I found the enjambement on lines 3-6 rather ugly. At the least the 'broken' rhymes call too much attention to themselves. You might get away with one or 2, but not 4 on the trot - the tool/box...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
Thanks, everyone! Well, I knew I'd take a beating for the awkward enjambements. The "-ool" rhymes are not plentiful and I painted myself into a corner by choosing them. I'll try changing the rhymes in...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
Vaughn,I dislike enjambment with a passion: I've seen so much badly forced. Yours did not grate in the slightest, indeed I have seen far worse praised on this very board, but I guess in "serious"...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
Ok. Here's a revision. There are still a lot of enjambments, but hopefully, they're smoother. The variation in L4 is common enough and, I think, follows sense.For some reason, I'm not allowed to edit...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
Hi,you know I think I preferred the spool\pool rhymes - they seemed more individual.I wondered if 'leaves spiral down might work better with tight configurations - swirling seems more ranmdom to...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
Vaughn,Enjambment is one of those no win things, damned if you do, damned if you don't (I don't, so I know). This is much clearer, but now that you have fixed things metrically (probably to most...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
To add to...I like the 'spiral' suggestion, further to which I would offer perhaps 'acorns of last night' or some such in L4, just to make it a shade more declarative. There's a little autumn vignette...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
Even though there are still some sentences ending mid-line, which, of course, would be difficult to alter unless you changed the entire sonnet, I liked your revision very much. You have a good sense...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
My feelings about enjambement in a sonnet are the same as about line-breaks in general - that a break signals some sort of pause in the reading. So I like a break to come where a pause would be...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
VF...Re enjambment, Maz sez:Quote:So I like a break to come where a pause would be natural - or, if the pause is not a natural one, for the break to signal some uncertainty, hesitation, or whatever in...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
Well, I just spent a lot of time responding to you all, but my post got lost somewhere in cyberspace. I thank you all so much for talking the time to comment on my sonnet. Alan & Peter, I will go...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
Thanks, Maz, for adding the rewrite to the original post. I still am not given the option to edit. Maybe I need to update my account?Rewrite #2:This scene is bathed in warm September light:a swimming...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
Vaughn,Are you logging in to ezboard before posting? If you don't log in, you can still use your password and post as a registered member here, but you won't have access to all the features.Please PM...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
VF...Your #2 revision is great...though I do prefer 'sun-speckled' over 'mesmeric' The squirrels are just the right touch and a good way to bring in the acorns.A masterful use of...
View ArticleRe: Near the End of Summer, Start of Fall
I liked it from the first, it is still good. Two minors re: your dots&dashes: In L7 I suggest replacing the comma after gear with a colon then drop the comma after hose.All good in the final round...
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